What Feeling ‘Triggered’ Really Means - Understanding Defensiveness and Emotional Reactions

In this episode, Shelley Treacher explains what being “triggered” really means and why our emotional reactions often link back to experiences of rejection or abandonment.
You’ll learn how triggers relate to comfort eating, defensiveness, and codependency, how the nervous system responds through fight, flight, freeze or fawn, and how to start responding to your emotions with understanding and compassion instead of avoidance.

Your next podcast: Coping with Anxiety: 10 Somatic Ways to Calm Overthinking: https://www.bristolcounselling.co.uk/coping-with-anxiety/

Transcript

Introduction - What ‘triggered’ really means 

Hi, this is Shelley Treacher from The Stress and Anxiety Recovery Podcast.
I hear people saying, "I got really triggered" a lot! So, today I’m explaining what feeling ‘triggered’ really means, and why it can lead to defensiveness, or to self destructive habits like comfort eating. 

But first, I want to share a story that shows exactly how this plays out.

A listener’s story: choosing to feel instead of to numb 

This lovely lady thanked me for my podcast and shared her story of finding it difficult to stop comfort eating.
 It was an amazing read and it literally moved me to tears to read her final words. She says, "For the first time ever, the thought came to me, I don't want to numb my feelings. I want to be able to feel them." She says, "It fully diffused the desire for the brownies." 

I was so touched by this because it's exactly what I want to communicate to you. This is how it works. By understanding that it's emotion that leads to that instinctive habitual reach for unhealthy food, alcohol, scrolling, or desperately wanting to hear from a certain person. And by making a choice to feel your feelings and be true to yourself instead. 

Learning to feel - the key to aliveness and connection 

A lot of people also come to me wanting to learn how to feel because it's part of the vibrancy of being human. There is no pleasure, intimacy, excitement, fun or fulfilment in life without feeling.
 So my job is to liberate you into aliveness and into using this as your best resource. 

Living fully instead of numbing 

Oddly, I just read an article about a near-death experience. Whether there is anything that happens to us after we die, it's possible that we only get one chance to live life in this physical body.
 My wish for all of us is that we live that as fully as possible. For this to happen, there simply isn't time for numbing ourselves more than we have to. 

What does “being triggered” actually mean? 

Which brings me to today's subject of triggering.
 Potentially harmful habits can kick in to help us cope at any point along this journey of life. But the habit becomes chronic when used to avoid or withdraw from stress. Triggering is a major contributor to this process. 

So, what does it really mean when we say that we're triggered?
 People often use this word to explain any sudden upset or unfavourable emotional reaction or response. But this is only half the story. 

Emotional triggers and past wounds 

Being triggered in psychology usually does mean having a reactionary response. But it is also understood that the reaction may come from having hit a raw nerve that relates to something you experienced in the past - usually a core wounding or trauma. 

So, for example, you might react every time someone says no to you. If your partner or friends are busy, or say they want to do something without you, or they seem to want to do things with everyone else except you, you might feel upset, sad, anxious, or angry.
 This experience often triggers a feeling of rejection which runs deep, triggering an experience or experiences of previous rejection or primal rejection. 

Why your brain can’t tell the difference between past and present 

Part of the brain cannot tell the difference between the present and the past. It's this part that gets activated with triggering, where our reaction and feelings in the present get merged with the same in the past.
 The most vivid and long-lasting experiences we had were in childhood and young life when we were incredibly impressionable.
 So this is what comes back when we perceive an emotional threat. 

We re-experience the trauma of feeling rejected or abandoned as a younger person. In those moments of feeling rejected in the present, I can't count the number of times I've explored this feeling of rejection with clients only to end up talking about their childhood experiences of abandonment and the belief systems that they developed from this early experience. 

Rejection, abandonment, and learned belief systems 

As a child, when we're left alone, we may feel rejected.
As I spoke of when I talked about rejection, we interpret this as somehow being our fault. We wonder what's wrong with us. This really hurts and this is what comes back when we feel rejected in the present. 

Triggers in relationships — defensiveness and projection 

This gets really complex in relationship because likewise, if someone expresses feeling abandoned by you, you might react. You might feel angry because you feel questioned, interrogated, or criticised. Or you might feel guilt, shame, or anxiety.
 It's a kind of inner implosion that happens for you. Again, it's likely that this goes back to other times when you felt this. 

In both cases, the implosion may be caused by feeling you've done something wrong and therefore aren't likeable. Again, it's likely that this was something you experienced as a child. 

Projection is when you feel you are in the same situation as before, but you're not. So you might feel criticised when the other is actually trying to understand or connect. Or you might complain of feeling abandoned when the other is actually anxious or preoccupied.
 And all of this often reflects the dynamic your parents had with each other, too. That's how you learned to relate and how you learned to react. 

Inherited conflict patterns 

However your parents dealt with conflict is likely your default, too. 

I was asked by someone last week why, if he has never been physically attacked, does he feel afraid of it? He was having some visions of being attacked and bad dreams.
 Apart from human preservation needs, being shouted at or even witnessing someone else being shouted at can feel like physical attack to us. It's that part of the brain again that can't tell the difference between reality and fantasy.
 So if you felt you were attacked verbally when you were younger, your nervous system might fear physical attack today. 

Avoidance, withdrawal, and the pain of triggers 

Often there's avoidance or withdrawal because all of this gets too painful and complex.
That's when people come to me and what we end up working with is what triggers them, how to understand that, and how to heal from it. 

Healing your reactions with compassion 

For both parties, healing is all about understanding this process, owning that this is what your reaction belongs to, and finding a kinder way to think about yourself and the situation you now find yourself in. Trying to connect and find a way to talk about it. 

The nervous system and fight, flight, freeze, fawn 

I've talked a lot about fight, flight, freeze responses in this podcast.
 This is what's happening when you get triggered. Your body perceives a threat, so gets ready to defend itself.
 Physiologically and unconsciously, your nervous system chooses the option it feels will protect you - fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
 Your body goes into this automatically and can't be stopped. 

How to recognise when you’re triggered 

Next time you're feeling rejected or criticised, see if you can notice any of these symptoms in your body: 

• Is your heart beating faster?
• Are you breathing shallowly in your chest?
• Have you gone numb, paralysed, or cold?
• Are you making yourself bigger and raising your voice?
• Do you walk away?
• Do you dissociate, daydream, or lack concentration?
• Or do you start apologising profusely, trying to fix or to please?

Top 10 emotional triggers behind addictive habits
 
I've talked here of being triggered, meaning that you have a reactionary response that may come from something in your past.
The following is a list of the top 10 emotional triggers that I see for comfort eating, codependency, or using any other addictive substance.
 
In no particular order, and these may be perceived or real:
 

1. Any kind of abandonment or rejection
2. Conflict
3. Criticism
4. Feeling blamed
5. Feeling shamed
6. Feeling guilted
7. Loss
8. Illness
9. Other people's feelings, especially worry, stress, or anger
10. Abuse

Anytime you feel one of these experiences, you may be reliving a moment from your past. So it's worth taking a moment to pause and reflect on what is actually bothering you.
 
Physical and environmental triggers

It's worth mentioning here that a trigger can also be something physical or in the environment.
Smells, sounds, tastes, objects, places, anniversaries, dates, times, movies, endings, people, and even muscle tension or posture can all be triggers to the traumatic formative experiences of the past.

Recovery and self-compassion

Recovery is all about acknowledging this trigger when it happens and recognising that it might be old. Then being kind to that part of you.
This leads to being interested in and taking responsibility for what you do and what you go through — such as being anxious, angry, or defensive.

Rather than feeling at the mercy of these reactions and underlying fears, I'm going to recommend at this point that you go back and listen to my podcast on anxiety.
Anxiety, in its various forms, is what we experience when we're triggered. So that podcast might help you to understand and to cope differently.

Summary of key insights
 
Now I'm going to tell you the salient points of today.
 

1. I talked about being triggered leading to any addiction or comfort eating.
2. I talked about feeling emotionally triggered relating to your past wounding.
3. Part of our brains can't tell the difference between the past and the present.
4. Being triggered can contribute to a frustrating pattern or dynamic in your relationships.
5. This may also reflect your parents’ dynamics and their triggering.
6. The physiological threat response cycle is how our nervous system responds to triggers.
7. I listed emotional triggers as well as other triggers.
8. I recommended my anxiety podcast for ways to cope with this.

Next episode and closing

There are lots of other podcasts here as well that can help you to do the same thing.
 

But that's all for today. Thank you so much for listening.
 
Next week, I'm going to talk more about being single as a trigger for comfort eating.
 
If you want help with understanding your feelings and your triggers a bit more, please have a look at my programmes. I particularly recommend the course on love and relationship if you're struggling with patterns and dynamics in relationship. This is a really good course for uncovering all that's going on for you and learning to progress differently.

I'm also still very interested in your comments and your questions, so please be in touch.

Thank you for listening today. This is Shelley Treacher from The Stress and Anxiety Recovery Podcast.
I'll see you next Wednesday.